I can't get me out of my head...

Hmm...this was not supposed to be a personal blog, but it seems to be turning into one. It happens. I promise the next post will have to do with something actually going on in our community.

My brain is just running non-stop these days. I am in a current situation, that is not even a big deal yet, or a situation, really. Hello confusion? LOL It's me - looking forward, and that is the problem. I don't like the word 'change' - usually in people it leans toward negativity. I much prefer the word 'grow.' I have grown a lot in these last couple years. There have been some hard lessons. There are still some things I struggle with (hello emo kid, you can't save the whole world.) I have grown enough to know that nothing just falls into place. Everything in life takes work, and to reach your goals - you HAVE to keep your future in mind. I am happy. I've met someone who makes me happy. But I am afraid to really move too far forward, even though it feels really good, and comfortable. I don't think this person would hurt me if we were to start dating, I can see that he is definitely liking what he has seen thus far. But I am closer to 30 on the age spectrum now, and as much as I would love to go out and party, have fun, and spend every waking moment with friends just having a good time, the reality is that we are in a recession...but more importantly, it is time for me to act like an adult. I feel that it is more important to manage my money well, and get myself out of debt. I do dream of a future where I have a home and a family someday. Something has me afraid that our personal goals aren't on the same page. Do I take a chance, on something that makes me happy but may not work out in the end? Do I put myself out there like that? I should have been better at managing my life when I was younger - what can I say, late bloomer. I don't want to slack on it, or feel like I have to hold back. So in my neurotic, mess of a mind, I face a dilemma. After things not working out for so many other reasons in the past - do I throw caution to the wind and let myself feel this good, with someone not displaying douchebag tendencies - or do I keep my walls up to protect myself? I need someone who can take care of himself as well as I can take care of myself. Maybe I am looking too much into this. I probably am. As a female who feels like my real life and future is about to begin (or at least should be beginning) - I have to look at life, relationships, etc. differently. I have to look forward to what can ensure me a good future and not hold me back as an adult. Not a 'young adult.' To relationships that are going to grow with me and that aren't just about sex, lies, false securities. I guess, more than anything - I am afraid that if I get in too deep, I will set myself up, and break my own heart by telling someone who could very well turn out to be amazing, that it's just not enough for me. And just like any other girl, I wonder - does that make me selfish or too expectant of others?

To the few of you that read - what do you think? I feel like I am being selfish, or even a little too cautious. Maybe I have just been out of the game for too long, and am over a lot of it.

Contemplative sorrow...

Nobody reads this-huh? Not unless I make a point to post on my fb that I blogged, and supply a link. Ironically, even knowing that - it gives me some comfort, or relief if you will, to type things out to no one in particular. Freedom by means of trillions of pointless pixels.

What do you do when you care about someone who you know is depressed, and their words seem eerily haunted? Darker by the day, reminding you of that emptiness you've seen in others. Others that never got to a better place, that were simply devoid of hope. It is a terrible feeling when someone has shared so much, and not shed a tear, not even throughout the most heart-breaking of retellings...then other things factor in, and their mood declines more. You begin to see a hopeless lack of glimmer in their eyes. Almost a deadness. It's as if all the H20 and salene have been sucked out, and there is nothing left to cry. Dry heaves of emotion. What do you do? How do you help? I don't think there is an easy answer, and that scares me....

A glimpse into my current psyche...

I have been thinking a lot lately, and that brings me down. But I have come to discover that I feel pain for other people. When it comes to friendships, loss of such, loss of life, friends personal issues that they share. It hurts me, to see the people I love in pain - be it physical or emotional. There are situations between some very close friends now, that I wish I could rectify for them. But it is not my place. It is so difficult to see people that you CHOOSE to have in your life looking so....defeated. Haunted. Sad. Worse is knowing that all you can do is be there for them, sympathize for them, and hope with everything that you have that they get through it in one piece. Especially when you used to see so much light in their eyes, and now you see sadness, disappointment, pain. I may not have had that 'I love so-and-so, I will be with this person forever' kind of love in my life, but I do love my family and I love my close friends as if they were blood. And if you can't admit that kind of love, look a friend in the eye and say "hey, I love you, I'm not going anywhere" then you don't know the true meaning of the word. You are missing out on the important things in life.

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Someone recently told me, after a falling out, that I never admit my wrongs and need to do a 180 in my life. And that I am wrong for mourning a friend. In my opinion, that is a load of crap. I do admit my wrongs, because like everybody else in this world, nobody is perfect. But grief...you don't choose that. You can't just let it go. Same with emotions, people don't choose to feel like emotional train wrecks when things get tough, it's all in our genetic makeup. He made the point that I talk about being "lewd, rude, and tattooed," yet I am an emotional 'defenseless victim.' I am rude at times, and I can be very crude. But I am a human being, and in no way does that mean that I am devoid of feelings. Or that I shouldn't mourn, or even miss the things I have fought for in life.

I think to myself a lot, (and this is gonna get pretty deep) about a friend Mike, that lost his life a little over a year ago. I don't even know what really happened, since stories have been floating around. And no one likes to talk about it, because it is a touchy subject. What I DO know is that I feel a sense of guilt, because I know that he was an unhappy person, and I know he had problems. Mike and I were not best buds, but we hung out with a lot of the same people, and I have known him since middle school. Been to shows his bands have played in, been to parties, dinners, and random get-togethers where we were not just associates, but friends. Regardless of the fact that I wouldn't have called myself a 'close' friend of his, it is difficult to watch someone at 28 years young, be sealed into a wall just the same. I don't ponder about it all of the time, because I have been going through the processes of grief. But I do think about him from time to time. About how much he is missing out on, how his life was cut so short. Of course little things will make you remember those who are no longer with us. And I DO feel guilty. A lot of us do, but we just don't talk about it. I can't help but wonder why myself and others didn't intervene? Why didn't we just talk to him, ask if he was okay...ask if he wanted help or support? Better yet, why did we sit around and drink in his presence when we knew he had a problem? It's like we were enabling him. Even if his passing had nothing to do with this, we should have let him know how much we cared. What a badass person he was. Maybe that little bit of extra support would have helped him lead a happier life. Nobody knows. I do feel at ease however, when I visit his resting spot, and a couple friends and I pour some for him. I find comfort in knowing that if in his life he didn't know we cared, he knows in his afterlife...more so, that in his passing I have learned a huge lesson: I know that I have felt at times, that my friendship has been taken advantage of - that people don't truly appreciate me. And maybe that is because they are too afraid to show that they do, to intervene or speak up if I am going down a bad path or making a poor decision. (In the long and short of it, I would rather someone risk a short period of anger with me, than to see something that I obviously can't recognize, and just let me go down that path.) And for that lesson, i am immensely thankful. Mike, you won't be forgotten old friend.

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Usually when someone implies that you have changed, it is not for the good. But something I have learned in the past two years is that I HAVE changed. But not in a negative way. I am still the same person, but I've learned some huge lessons in life. Gossip gets you nowhere. It spreads like wildfire, and in the end, the person you are gossiping about is always the one who gets burned the deepest. The problem with gossip, is that people put their own spin on it. And even if they don't, when you tell somebody something in trust, that is where it should stay. Between you and that person. I've also learned that there is an immense difference between being cordial (or co-existing) and kissing someone's ass. I know so many people have talked mad trash about others within their group, spewed the word "hate" and then turned around down the line and are like 2 peas in a pod with that exact same person. Nevermind all the personal infomation, gossip, etc. that they freely and openly dispersed to everyone else behind that person's back.

Yes, I HAVE changed. I have grown up. I can be in a room with some of the people I have had fallings out and/or issues with, for the sake of the other people that I care about. You can't expect people to stop talking to people you don't get along with - that is not realistic at all. But at the same time, there is no need to be rude, ignore anybody, or play the "let's be friends' card when you know that it will never happen. Sometimes people show you their true colors, and you make a conscious choice that you can't live with what was said or done. And if distancing yourself from that means that you have changed, or that you are acting like a bitch, then so be it. I may be a bitch, but I'm a free bitch.

A Bittersweet Goodye...

Dear 2010:

I would like to thank you for the new friendships that have been made, the old ones that have grown stronger, and the health of my family and friends. The survival of our family owned business, even though it has been a very, VERY difficult year. And though I would like to have spent much more time on myself and having FUN, I was disciplined enough to pay my bills, which is more than I can say for a lot of people I know who are spending foolishly and being hounded by debt collectors. You and I, however, are done.

A few people will argue that I have changed tremendously in the last year. But I have not. I am still the loud, opinionated, fun-loving, sharp-tongued gal I have always been, albeit slightly more depressed. 2010, you have lowered my bullshit tolerance, and I praise you for that - even if it meant dealing with some very tough issues. Aside from some recreational hookah and ganja smoking, I can proudly say that I have not changed, but rather grown. (and not just in size either.)

You have taught me, that though sometimes the best intentions lead to a failed attempt, the happiness of just one friend, for one day is worth it. That's part of being an adult and co-existing for the sake of those you care about. Sometimes you have to learn and grow from experiences. I believe I have. I am entering into a phase of my life, where I am much closer to 30 than 20, and somewhere between saying my final goodbyes to an old friend (way too early in life, I might add)and finding some old friends behavior leaning closer to a high school mentality (and broken friendships,) I have realized that I need to get my shit together.

Nothing in life is ever easy. Farewells, drifting apart from people you have been close to for umpteen years, supporting yourself through a tough economy, having the strength to say "I've had enough." It is all hard, but everything in life needs a little effort to strive. Friendships aren't one-sided...and when they become that way, you can't beat yourself up. Rather, you should be proud that you gave it your best shot, and thankful for the amazing memories that you have had throughout the years. I have no regrets when I lay my head down at night.

I am eternally thankful for the laughter that helped us see through the dark cloud that hung over some of us early in the year, as well as the support and laughter that has helped us to reach the end of it. I'm thankful for the support, happiness, and health of my mom and dad, my brother and his awesome girlfriend Ana. Micro-pimp, the bet LITTLE cousin anyone could ask for. Alex and Adri, two of the realest and most amazing people I know (I treasure you.) Jorge and his never-ending dry wit and character jokes. Ruben, the slightly younger brother I never had. The Beltran, Lara, and Rimblas/Tollefson families - you really are my home away from home. Sistaluv Vikki, and my beautiful niece Sophia - who has brought so much happiness to so many lives...I miss you all so much, and can't wait until I can afford to visit again. Jessalyn and Aria, the 'Unholy Trinity' would not be complete without you, and Eric for giving Jessie so much of the happiness that she deserves. There are so many more people that have made this last year bearable.

And now, the easiest thing I have ever said, to you 2010, thank you for the memories - good, and bad. But I am more than ecstatic to bid you adieu and welcome in 2011 with open arms. Cheers to a new slate.

Sincerely,
Andie

America - too sensitive?

MILEY CYRUS A BAD INFLUENCE!!! So she took a rip out of a bong. According to reports it was salvia - which by definition sucks. It is also legal in all but 15 states, and she was in one of the states that it IS legal...clearly it's her first time hitting the bong, seeing as her "friends" are teaching her how to use it properly. Secondly, that was a weak rip, she got a lot in the chamber but didn't even clear the piece. Third, there is NO WAY that she took a hit and instantly went into hysterics, that seems more like a show for her friends. Supposedly (and I have never experienced this with salvia)you have a trip similar to LSD for about 5 minutes and then a strange, stoned feeling. If she had a trip similar to LSD - she would not be focused on some random dude that "looks like her boyfriend,' I promise you that.
And might I add, that by looking at her eyes, she is definitely on something-but I doubt it is saliva.

But here's the thing. She is (supposedly) experimenting with a drug that is legal, while she is of legal age. Some argue that she is a role model for small children - I hate to break it to you America, but children grow up. She will not be a Disney princess forever, and believe me, kids are seeing much, MUCH worse on tv and at school everyday. In fact, a lot of teenagers younger than Miley have already experimented with drugs.

The sad fact is that now people are rallying for salvia to be made illegal. Because of that video of a former Disney star smoking a legal substance, while of age. If it were anyone else, not famous, it would be a non-issue. If something like salvia is going to be banned, what is next - alcohol, cigarettes? Those are pretty damn dangerous in themselves if you are not cautious with them. Same as any other addiction. And I GUARANTEE that there are more people selling actual marijuana and other drugs to underage kids, than are selling salvia...which is legally available in most head shops - so long as the buyer is at least 18 years of age. Which makes it pretty damn unnecessary to have to make a deal in the streets. Not to mention, your kids are more likely to buy marijuana BECAUSE it is illegal than salvia if offered.

This all comes down to a simple fact...parents need to talk to their kids. Using your voice toward the Government is a good thing, but in some cases...you need to talk to your kids about responsibility. Now when she starts shooting up heroin on camera, strips naked, and bangs a donkey - then you can raise a big fuss.

P.S. It's a WATER PIPE. =)

A Personal Journal Entry.

Yes, you read that correctly. I pulled this entry directly from my personal journal, because I thought it was worth sharing. I don't write all that often anymore, but I was feeling the need to pick up a pen. Notations added in parenthesis.

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11/28/10

A lot on my mind today. It is Mike's 29th birthday, or it would have been. In just about a week, it will mark one year since I said my final goodbye to him. Thankfully, my last memory of him was that smiling face. Though I feel like we all got cheated, losing him so young. I'm missing my grandmother quite a bit too. December always makes me a little more blue than usual. It was her favorite holiday...more later....

I JUST HAD THE BEST STONER REVELATION. EVER.
I'm high - listenin' to Christmas Songs while I should be folding laundry. I just got back from the craft store. Bought some decor for an upcoming holiday party at Alex and Adri's. I just realized how amazing, if not hectic (as usual), December is looking this year. Why? It is like it was when Maw Maw(my grandmother, who passed 10 years ago)was here. FESTIVE. I was buying stuff to make some decorative drink favors and some decorations for the party, and now I am high as a fuckin' kite - and it hits me! Sometimes, I feel like the person I have become would disappoint her. I smoke pot, I curse like a sailor (which she hated,) I'm out of shape. Sometimes it feels like she is slipping away. But now I know. She is not. I don't disappoint her, she would love me regardless. She has instilled kindness and cheer into me, and she always stimulated my creative side during the holidays. Christmas was like a mega-festive reason to be cheerful and kind all month long. She is WHY I am the crafty Krapf that I am today.

And so all these parties, and birthdays...I'm gonna relish in them and enjoy it excessively this year. For her. Because she lives on, in me. =)

Puff, puff, pass.

A lot of people have issues with marijuana use. I admit that I use when I have migraines or can't sleep. And sometimes, just because. But the main reason that I keep it around is for migraine relief. Unfortunately we live in a World where people seem to think that all pot smokers are either a waste of time, or perpetually stoned. Damn conservatives - I've got some food for thought for y'all. Now I speak for functioning pot smokers here, when I say that in moderation - marijuana actually has a lot of benefits, and is no more dangerous than drinking hard liquor. Sure, the tars pose cancer risks, and you get high. But the same goes for smoking cigarettes. And drinking alcohol is legal, but also very much a "drug" seeing as it alters your mood, causes many similar effects of a marijuana high. The difference is that it affects your liver.

Let's get into the beneficial uses of marijuana as opposed to the recreational use.

It can be used to ease pain for people suffering from: nausea and vomiting secondary to cancer chemotherapy, AIDS wasting, neuropathic pain, and movement disorders such as the spasticity associated with multiple sclerosis, as well as many other types of diseases and pains. What most people DON'T know, is that though the THC gets you 'high' there are 60+ other chemicals in marijuana, called cannabinoids which aid in pain relief, and sometimes symptoms altogether. Now in regards to medical marijuana, there is a pill called Dronabinol. It is a synthetic form of THC available by prescription as a schedule 3 agent and in controlled studies, and it has been shown that it is as effective as smokeable marijuana and with less hazards because it avoids the respiratory effects.

If people would open their minds and take a few moments to hop on the web and look up the pros and cons, they would see that this is a natural source of pain relief. Of course, some people are going to counter with "there are so many cons to this, it's an illegal drug, etc." Well, start looking up the medications that you use daily. Go ahead, I dare you. There are just as many side effects and some that are much worse in the medications we take daily. The fact that medical marijuana can be in a pill form just goes to show that with our support and the right amount of research, these cannabinoids can be broken down and put to use for many ailments. So why is Marijuana illegal? Because it grows from the ground, you can dry it up and smoke it to get a quick and easy high. This is just common sense. You can get high from prescription medication too, but the growing of marijuana makes achieving a high easy to do from your very own back yard. That is why it is still illegal.

...BUT...

Picture this. If you are suffering from cancer, you are either being given radiation, or chemotherapy - which essentially is a poison being pumped through your veins, to attack and kill the cancer. POISON. So, I'm thinking if cannibinoids can ease that pain, what's wrong with that? Doctors are already running poison through your body. Can it get much worse? How about chronic migraine sufferers? When Excedrin, or other massive amounts of chemicals in the form of pain medications no longer work, you are pretty much incapacitated. You lay down, in complete darkness, a cool compress across your head, and no sound. So why not use THC to erase that pain...sure you will be slow moving - but you are going to be down and out anyway-no? So you take a hit, or a pill (which surely with the right research can be created for different types of pain,) nap for an hour, and you get your life back. I know there are times I've had migraines that keep me down for hours. HOURS.

Now remember, if marijuana ever actually makes it onto a bill in Florida and passes - it doesn't mean anyone can grow it and sell it as they do now. That would still be illegal. You would need permits to grow legally, and you would have to be prescribed this medication. People are always going to abuse marijuana, the same way they abuse prescription drugs. The difference is, would you rather suffer from pain, or take MORE medications to help you through treatment, or would you rather use a naturally supplied drug that is grown from our Earth? I don't know, but I think in some cases, I trust natural grown more than hundred of chemicals being mixed to create prescription medications.

After all is said and done, I don't see this passing anytime in the near future. My point with this post, is that there is a wealth of information floating around out there on the internet. Put it to use. You may be surprised what you learn. And I wasn't kidding - look up your prescriptions. Read up on the side effects. You are already using controlled substances that are created in a lab. It is illegal to sell them on the streets, or have possession of them without a prescription. Just sayin' ... open your minds. Someday a drug you are so against, can be just the miracle you always hoped for.

Economy on the rise = Lies.

Funny how we all keep hearing that the economy is on the rise, the recession is almost over. I don't know - it seems to me that people are still out of work, benefits and pay keep getting cut, but our bills climb. Thank you Geico, btw - I have never missed or been late on a payment, and have not been in an accident or received a ticket in years. So why raise my rates? Well fuck you, I'll be hunting for a new insurance company. You suck ballbag.

What gets me though, is here I am - at work everyday, paying my bills, even if it means my savings are struggling a bit, and I can't go out and do as much as I'd like...yet people like my aunt are living off of the government. She's an addict, an alcoholic who has relapsed again(and apparently lost God for about the 8th time now)but makes as much money as me. 50 years old, and my life is in better oder. But I am struggling. Then there's the credit card interest getting raised, limits being lowered, and fraudulent checks being written and cashed. It's happened to a few friends of mine, where checks have been intercepted in the mail and false ones have been forged. It just happened to my grandfather, 70+ years old, and he's become a victim. A victim of our shitty economy.

Something has got to give. Just Sayin'.

Dolphins Schmolphins!

First let me start by saying that I am NOT a fair-weather fan. I love my Dolphins regardless, and it takes a true fan to be this disappointed. And that's why only WE are allowed to make fun of them. =)

Come on guys - WTF?! Let me start off by saying GOOD JOB on using the Wild Cat only once this game. The first season that we used it in excess, it worked for us. But y'all are holding on to it like a peg leg to a crutch. Too predictable now, don't abuse it, and it will be more effective. Last nights game was just a supermassive mindfuck to me. It's almost as if the Dolphins started out the season with promise. Problems with the Offense, but promise nonetheless. And then the Jets game happened... that blocked kick. Once was bad enough, and against our biggest rival to boot. Yet, this game Special Team royally screwed up again with not one, but TWO more blocked kicks. TWO. Against yet another one of our rivals. It pained me to see Tom Brady's pretty boy ass flipping his hair around like a prized mare. Dale llegua??? [ask Giselle when you are allowed to have your cojones back. You used to be sexy, now you are just a weak girly-man.]

And Henne. Henne, Henne, Henne! There were way too many turnovers last night, especially when there were other receivers open and in a better position to catch and run the ball. And the last half, what was with that beautiful throw? - right into the arms of a bloody Patriot?! Did you have a memory lapse and forget what team you play for? Because that ball was nowhere close to any of our receivers. And it's not even like the team colors are easily confusable. Henne could be a good QB. If we took Pennington's brain out of that goofy head of his and placed it into Henne's. Pennington is getting up there in age, but he has a gift when it comes to finding the right receiver.

Come on guys, you really need to pull it together. It's about time you get together at practice and say "Hey-maybe we should work a little more with our Special Team and make sure they protect our kicker." And then work with Pennington and Henne. Pennington could be a great influence if he lets Henne get into his head, teach him how to pinpoint the best option for a clean throw and best chance at some yardage. Y'all are a team, so pull it together and work with one another. It's the only way that the 'Phins are going to improve - with hard work. Last night we looked the the Miami Minnows. We might as well wear the pink Breast Cancer Awareness all the time if we are going to play like girls. It was unacceptable.

On a brighter note, I'd like to end this post with some positive points. Brandon Marshall was not seeming like a good pick for me early on in the preseason games. But now that it's really gotten started, with the exception of last nights stop mid-play, he is a pretty impressive receiver. However, Bess for me is our star player this season. I can't say that I've ever cursed a blue streak laced with his name after a game. Ricky Williams played great last night as well (no fumbles?!) Is it possible he is back on the herb? Hey, if it's any indication that he could play some semblance of what he did in his prime, then by all means - toke away! And last, but most certainly not least, our defense. I'm thinking that there should just be one large standing ovation pre-game for the way that our defense has saved our asses on so many occasions. Those men have really stepped up their game, and played hard. Good job boys, keep it up!

We've got a bye-week, so use this time wisely guys. Sparano, get out there at practice and give them all the shit you can dish out. Whip them into shape, hopefully this defeat was hard enough on the team that they will put in the extra work to improve where it is needed most. Your fans may be disapointed, but we are still rooting for you. Make us proud!

Economy Boosting Professional Stupidity?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

As someone who is often in City and County Building Departments, I have definitely seen them go through their ups and downs throughout this recession. In some cases, lines are long, people are overworked, and sometimes due to change of staff, employees are not 100% on top of things or able to answer your questions correctly. This is to be expected.

However, in some cases the employees themselves are getting lazy, and not at all caring about their positions and what they entail. I have always bitched about Miami Beach, because anyone who has been there knows that the permit clerks work in extra slow mode, and the 'router Desk' is pretty much a complete waste of time, not to mention where the majority of your time waiting is.

Here is my complaint for this particular post: Employees not performing up to par, due to pay cuts. One building department recently has really gone down hill. Now I have never like Hialeah's Building Department, though the wait is always long and uncomfortable, it was pretty easy to get your plans and applications dropped off. Now however, someone from this building department has told an employee of ours, that everyone is pissed off about getting paycuts, and therefore slacking. Um, three customers in three hours? All you have to do is stamp the plans, and log in the information that is already supplied for you ON the applications.

Now when you call in for status reports, you get transferred all over and ultimately end up getting someone from another departments answering machine. I understand that working for the City/County can be tedious and stressful - but a pay cut does NOT make it okay to perform poorly at work, especially when there are so many people who are still out of work, even though it's being said that our economy is back on the rise. Sadly, knowing this particular city, nothing will be done. In fact, two employees recently took early retirement because even they could no longer stand everyone else's inability to perform their job.

I ask, 'So what?!' People all over this country are losing jobs, struggling with pay cuts and worse. But they aren't practically going on a rebellious streak that will in the long run piss off their customers and possibly put their position in jeopardy. I, as well as everyone else in the company I work for have taken pay cuts, lost benefits such as 401K contributions and paid holidays, we've even taken hour cuts! Do you bitch about it, sure. But the ONLY way to survive in this economy is to keep pushing forward. Manage yourself and your assets as best as you can, even if it means taking time to sit down and plan out a budget for yourself. Because in the big scheme of things, treating your job like they are beating you down when in reality you are still pretty well paid, and have plenty of benefits...is like beating a dead horse. It's pointless.

So wake up people! If you use this form of rebellion and slacking to express your disappointment, you are only making it harder on yourself. Your customers get angry and lose respect for you, because now you are making THEIR job more difficult and stressful. They are going to yell, scream, and say things you don't want to hear. Because we are all going through it too. But if you don't suck it up, and perform at your best...you just might find yourself on the unemployment line, while someone else settles nicely into your position at a lower pay scale...simply because people these days are REALLY struggling and would sacrifice for even a small income that beats that $250 bi-weekly that they get on unemployment.

Ask yourself this - is bitterness over a few bucks really worth jeopardizing your career and making minimal bucks?