Monday, August 30, 2010

Personal update. Let's call the WAHmbulance.

Funny enough, looking back at my last post....things could not have gone more off track from where I wanted to be by now.

Money is still tight. I mean, I can do small stuff here and there...but I mostly save what I can for the important stuff, and my bills. Reality is, that this double dip recession is hitting our company later than it hit most. We literally have under 10K in our company account today, with about 7K in bills. My dad and the other boss, have not cashed paychecks in months. MONTHS. It's a friggin' waiting game...we wait and pray that the mail carrier brings us some checks. The few employees that we DO have (9 to be exact) are down to working only 3 days a week. And as for me? Well, I'm getting most of my hours, but my credit card is pretty damn high again. I'll have to work on paying that down. And I still need to figure out a name for my freelance makeup artistry, and make the time to get 'models' to make up and photograph for a portfolio before I can really get started on that. To be honest, it's scary.

Another big failure? Working on friendships. As someone who has been in a larger group of friends, I used to joke on my brother for having pretty much a small handful, if that, of friends. And now, I am in that same boat. Why is that? Multiple reasons I suppose. Some my fault, some not so much.

Funny how you get excluded from a lot, when you live further away from the majority of your friends...but when someone is up your way and you spend time with them, because it makes sense, it equates to you being "exclusive" with them. I have a HUGE problem with this. Aside from one or two people who drive up to Hollywierd, no one else really did unless I badgered them to show up for parties. However, a good 90% of the things that were done before in this same group I used to call friends, were done in Hialeah. So nobody could carpool north 35 minutes to hang out....but I was expected to drive south, by myself for no reason other than to hang out...and drive back north at 2-3 a.m. drunk. But they found excuses for when parties were going on by me, or The Gonzalez'. Where is the logic in that? Or people would get upset that I didn't invite them up for impromptu things, that were not planned, but just came together with the people who live closer to me. Yet when it happened with those other friends, and the rest who live closer to them, they argue the same thing...that it was impromptu. But I am exclusive with someone for doing this, and they are not?

Another big reason things fell apart? I suppose it had to do with taking sides with said friend, who lives closer to me. Why? Well because when someone gets insulted in my house, and I hear said insult with my own ears...I have a right to pass judgment on the person who spewed that garbage, seemingly unprovoked. Then you have to factor in the big thing-the end of my involvement with this group. I'd already stopped talking to one girl, because she continued to lie to me about dumb little shit, even after asking her to level with me. Someone I was expecting, and talked to multiple times during the day of my birthday, who promised they would be there and never showed, after telling me they were leaving as soon as their mom got home when they could borrow the car. Someone who I later found out (by email from their new boyfriend) didn't want to be around another guest. Knowing that I am very understanding and would have taken that at face value and accepted it, they instead chose to blow smoke up my ass. Which is insulting to me. A slap in the face, considering that I was there during a very hard time not just for her, but a hard time for ALL of us, my main concern being her. Making sure she was okay, holding her up when her own legs couldn't.

Following this, a coupling popped up between said girl and the other guests best friend. I don't agree with it. But I also am not all up in their business. Fuck me for making a a general facebook status about people being upsetting and crossing lines shortly after this actually happened. (that status was also referring to other situations, not just the situation at hand, and my opinion on people in general.) And I suppose that part of the mess to follow was my fault for having an opinion and the balls to display it (even though I never called anybody, in any situation I was referring to out) - but I could not have know that the pissing war was going to be about something completely irrelevant to that situation. The whole thread should have stopped after a few comments. But then someone felt the need to attack someone else that they have problems with, with a barrage of truth and lies from the past. Things that should never have been displayed to the public. And then there was retaliation. And then people with no involvement started sticking their noses into it. Somehow I was called a "hypocrite" from all of it, at which point I deleted the entire thread, because I am sure that had I let it go, it would have gotten even uglier than it did. I felt unjustly attacked, and that was the beginning of the demise of one more friendship, sealed by a very nasty email that I did not deserve, based on something that someone else said. Given, an apology was later emailed to me that seemed sincere, and I replied to it very honestly. But of course, nothing more has come of that.

So much for staying neutral. Naturally, my friendship strengthened with the people who weren't pointing fingers, and choosing to not address me at all.

And on top of all of this, my best friend and I were already drifting apart. I had my issues with how the friendship was going, and it is not something that I am going into in detail in here, as I feel I have already shared all of that with said person. That is who it needed to be shared with. I am not naive enough to say that I don't have my own issues, bad habits, etc. I am positive that I do, but a lot of the time we cannot see these in ourselves. But I flat out asked my longtime friend's opinion on these, to point them out to me so that we could work on it, and also to address to me how she feels based on the issues I brought up. It's been months now, with no reply after her saying that she wanted her rebuttal to be right - and "come from the heart." Well, it hasn't come. Period. And that tells me that as I suspected, I was more invested in the friendship towards the end. I was trying...when it was so easy to just say "fuck it, I'm done." And now it has come to the point that I am. Put a fork in me. I know that I have tried to make peace with this person on more than one occasion. Invited her to my house for a party to spend time with her niece, etc. Shot down. I did my part and left the ball in her court. /shrug

It's a fucking shame how things have turned out. And more proof as to why I have trust issues so deeply. Because if you can't trust someone who has been a huge part of your life for 13+ years, then who CAN you trust? I admit, I am lonelier than I have been in some time, even with the few amazing friends that I do hold close to my heart. Because I feel like everything fell apart over stupid shit. Things that could have easily been avoided, but blew up into a huge situation. I feel at part guilty, when I know I probably shouldn't, because I know that I can be harsh, and hard-headed as hell. Maybe I should have tried harder to keep some of these people in my life - but that's just not me. To kiss someone's ass, and forget all the wrongs that have been laid out on the table. But that has always been me, and I have never denied it. It's just shameful that as adults, we are still acting like the kids we were in high school. It honestly makes me question society, how things have changed with each new generation. Makes me a little nervous about how the human race will be in the future. =/

However, on a positive note; I have been exercising lately, trying to get myself in better shape, with the motivational help of a friend. I'm eating better, and I am back to drinking much more water, and cutting out as much soda as I can from my diet. I follow my eating 6 times a day plan, with 100 calories and under for snacks the majority of the time. I still screw up royally when it comes to lunch.But I am for real about this. In fact, even on my off days from exercising, I have been hopping on the Wii Fit and getting in a good half hour of aerobics and strength training, so that I am burning more calories all week. And you know what, though I have not really lost any weight...I feel good about sticking to it. Because it is something that I need to do for ME. It clears my head, will make me healthier in the long run, and gets my mind off of all the other bullshit that tends to get people down. I don't want to give in to the negativity that circles around us every day. I don't want to end up so depressed that I am looking for the wrong kind of out, purposely or not.

A lot of us said our goodbyes to an old friend last December...I don't want that to be me, be it due to health, depression, even an accident. We are far too young to be saying goodbyes to our peers. What I have learned from all of this - is that maintenance is necessary. Be it maintenance of yourself, or nurturing of friendships. Likewise, sometimes things just shift - and there is nothing you can do about it. So you either be a defeatist, or you get up and move on with your life. Excel at working on yourself, and hoping that in the future you cross paths with people who can see the real you and accept you for that, but are also willing to put in a little effort to stay in/keep you in their lives. And you take the people who you love, family and friends, with a grain of salt. You learn with time what buttons not to push, when to just let them vent, and when to be there to give them a hug when they are hard on themselves or just need one.

Not to be a negative Nancy...but life is hard. And with each year, it only gets more difficult and further tests your strength. But it's also necessary to make you wiser.