Friday, December 16, 2011

Digging in the past...

The past two years have been quite trying, but though I feel a little shorted on the friend front, I realize that I have some amazing people in my life. I have friends in North Carolina who might as well be family, and I consider them as such. I have a handful of friends here (what a sausage fest!)who accept me despite my flaws and misgivings. And I have someone in my life who loves me - and even though it is overwhelming at times, it feels pretty damn good to have love reciprocated.

Anyhow, I was reading some old emails I had saved. One in particular, caught my attention - I'm not going to say who it is was with - but a phrase in it struck me. "I always thought the best of you, and now that's gone. I am so very disappointed at the person you have become. And I hope for your sake that you will come out of this someday." That phrase stung, for quite some time. It made me question if I had become a monster. But as time has passed, I have had a lot of time to reflect.

I will not apologize for the person I have become. I am the same person I always was. Have I changed? Not the whole of me - I have grown. Which I feel is an immense difference, and a necessity as we age. Though I did receive what seemed like a very sincere apology after I responded to that email, many of the people involved are no longer a part of my life. And though the way it all came to blow was immature, I accept it for what it is. People choose. Lovers over friends, new bonds over old ties.

What I have learned in the past several years is that any relationship where only one person is fighting and putting in most effort IS going to fail, and people will judge when they only hear one side of a story. Relationships are all about respect, interaction, trust, and the ability to bend for those you love. This goes for love, and friendship. Two very precious, emotional, and complex aspects of life. I've also learned that too much of anything is a bad thing. I much prefer my handful of faithfuls to a massive group of individuals that are inseparable. Because they are separable. Always.

Anyhow - the point of this post is that after re-reading that, in retrospect I am quite happy with the person that I am. Gossip is a renegade freight train - aimed to take out everyone in it's path. It can destroy reputations, friendships, self esteem. So if you don't go looking for it and airing people's dirty laundry, you will save yourself a lot of pain and stress. Berating others is futile and hypocritical when you yourself are guilty of the same, or worse. But most importantly, I am in dire need of learning when to use a filter - because sometimes people aren't ready for the truth. Or it comes off as being judgmental when it is meant to be constructive. I am not perfect. What matters is that when you lay your head down at night, you have a clear conscience and are content with how you treat others. My grandmother was the most influential person in my life. There are many aspects of my personality that she would disapprove of - bad habits mostly. But when it comes to the person I have become, I like to think that she would be pretty proud of the woman that I am. Mostly optimistic, firm in my beliefs and values (though they may differ from others), and loyal - sometimes to a fault. But most of all, I am true to myself. I don't try to fit into a mold of what others want me to be.

And with that, I think I have found the closure that I needed. That ultimately I am proud of the person that I am, despite what others think. It's time to let go. Delete the emails, let go of some of the anger, and enjoy the pictures and good memories from friendships that didn't last - so that I can appreciate the ones that have. #personalgrowth

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

No Justice for Caylee Marie Anthony

For those of you in Florida, and around the United States who have been living under a rock and are unfamiliar with the State vs. Casey Anthony murder trial, let me get you up to date. Just over three years ago, a beautiful little girl in north Florida was reported missing, and her skeletal remains were found six months later, tossed in the woods like a piece of trash. The child's mother Casey (22 at the time) as it turns out had known her daughter was missing for over a month, without reporting it to anybody. She fabricated lies and elaborate stories that she told to her parents and investigators - all the while she was out partying while spinning a web of lies. She lied to police, made up a story about a fictional nanny who 'kidnapped' her little girl, and later fabricated a story about an accidental drowning. However, somehow I can't connect an accidental drowning with finding the remains of a 2 year old, with duct tape over her mouth, wrapped in trash bags, and buried in a wooded area. Why go to such lengths to cover up an accident? Casey Anthony has been in jail for three years, as the main suspect in her daughter's disappearance and death. This past month, millions of us have watched the trial unfold, and her web of lies sag and fall apart.

We learned that Casey's mother finally reported her grand daughter missing. We learned of computer searches on things such as 'chloroform', 'neck breaking',which were deliberately deleted from search history. We then learned that Casey's mother Cindy claimed she was doing those searches. Later yet, we learned that Cindy Anthony was at work at the times those searches were performed on her home computer, proving that she perjured herself. We saw testimony from Casey's father, a retired police man, that upon picking up his daughter's car he smelled the very distinct smell of decomposition in the trunk of her car. Why would a father, lie about that? If anything instinct would have you protect your child, not accuse her. Yet that seems not to matter to a jury. Nor did the fact that Casey Anthony lied to detectives on multiple occasions, failed to report her daughter missing, had partaken in a hot body contest, AND gotten a tattoo reading 'Bella Vita' (Beautiful Life) in the span of time that her daughter was 'missing/kidnapped.' She then told more lies, and claimed an accidental drowning. I am not a mother, but as a woman, maternal instinct is bred into me. People deal with grief in different ways, but the last thing that would be on my mind would be to get a tattoo depicting how beautiful life is, when in fact a grieving mother would be more apt to have thoughts along the line of "life is so cruel and unfair. I need to find the monster who took my baby away from me." But then again, I am not Casey Anthony. I did not sit in a court room, stone-faced while my father wept - testifying about the smell of decomposition in her car while his grand daughter was missing, and recalling the suicide note he wrote to loved ones before attempting to take his own life. I did not sit in a court room, expressionless while a meter reader testified about sticking his meter stick into the eye socket of my child's remains.

Today, after less than 11 hours of deliberations, a jury found Casey Anthony not guilty of first degree murder. Not guilty of aggravated child abuse. Not guilty of aggravated manslaughter of a child. And guilty on four counts of lying to authorities. According to yahoo news, "Anthony will be sentenced by the judge on Thursday and could receive up to a year in jail for each lying count. She has already spent almost three years in jail awaiting trial."

Seven years. Seven years in return for murdering your child and tossing her away like yesterday's trash. Yet people are punished more severely for drug convictions, affecting nobody but themselves. The judicial system failed miserably on this one, folks. So all of the evidence was 'circumstantial' and not 'physical.' I disagree with the verdict 100%. In some cases, as such, the truth is there, in the web of lies that this unremorseful mother has spun. Untruths that were proven. This case is sadly going to go down in history as one of the most unjust verdicts we have seen, along with the likes of the O.J. Simpson case. Accept in this case it is more sickening and heart-wrenching, in that a mother callously cheated her own flesh and blood of what could have been a beautiful life. And she dragged her family though the mud in the process, in front of the World, with little to no remorse. She gets a slap on the wrist.

I sincerely hope with all of my heart, as a HUMAN BEING - that Casey Anthony, every single one of those jurors and defense attorneys, and anyone else who knows that this verdict was wrong are haunted by their decisions. I hope the guilt they feel consumes them like a giant fireball - destroying them from the inside out. But more than anything, I hope that our legal system in the future can find a way to prevent letting cases like this slip through the cracks due lack of physical evidence when it is so plain that the defendant is guilty of a crime this horrible. It literally makes me sick to my stomach, that this woman will be laughing in the face of the legal system - knowing that her daughter paid the ultimate price, her life, for simply not fitting into her lifestyle. If you are mature enough to be a mother, you are mature enough to put your life on hold for long enough to make one smart decision and put an unwanted child up for adoption if he/she does not fit into your lifestyle. Someone else, be it a woman unable to carry a child or a gay couple, would have done everything in their power to have given that child a beautiful life.

Bella Vita....the irony.

Monday, June 13, 2011

NBA Championship 2011

First off I would like to congratulate the Dallas Mavericks on their win. As much as I dislike Barea and Terry, those two played extremely hard throughout the Finals and as a team, the Mavs totally deserved the win. This however, does not mean that I am not upset about the way the Miami Heat played.

As some of you know, I am a first season basketball fan. I never took the time to actually watch a game before, and was quickly hooked within a game or two - due to the sportsmanship, teamwork, and constant action on the court. This in no way means that I am a 'band-wagoner.' I am a hometown girl, and I will definitely be watching next season as well, and rooting for My Heat. Everyone seems to be quick to blame LeBron James for the failure to beat the Mavs for a second time, but I hate to break it to you guys - the whole team should take the fall. If anything, we didn't deserve to win with the way we have been playing. There is no excuse for any player to miss free throws. Especially when this is what they practice all year for. We also need to focus on not giving away so many turnovers, but that is my personal opinion. You can't lay the blame/responsibility on the shoulders of one player. It's just not fair. Be as disappointed as you want, but our boys were doing something right. They are the second best team this year in the NBA, and they are the Eastern Conference Champs. I think that says a lot for our team. So don't hate, appreciate that we have an amazing team - that will hopefully learn from their mistakes and be confident, but less cocky. Yeah, I said it. We are cocky. Sometimes it takes a fall from the pedestal to realize and work toward perfection.

Now, on another note (and maybe I don't get this right as a first time fan)the band-wagoners DO piss me off. It's one thing to go for your home team, or against it if that is your thing, but to just go for any team that you don't care about and passionately taunt real fans is a slap in the face. In fact, it kind of makes you a flaming douchebag. Pick a team, and be a fan. It's really easy to look up a players stats and pretend that you have been their biggest fan forever. Here is the truth to all of you out there yelling about how Dirk Nowitzki is a king: Is he a good player? Absolutely. Does he ever miss free throws? Seldom. But he did not play to his potential in the last few games, and missed waaaaay too many baskets. If you want to honor anyone (as much as it pains me to say this) rave about Borea or Terry, because they really carried the team to the victory the last couple games of the Finals.

All in all, it was a tense, yet enjoyable finale to the season. I am glad that I took the time to watch, enjoy, and support our Miami team and hope that next season they come back stronger and focused. Miami fans are definitely some of the most loyal.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Migraine Update 3

So, here I am at the end of my cycle again. The second I take that sugar pill in my birth control pack - the migraines begin like clockwork. After looking into it, for some reason my pharmacy put in a discount card for the Maxalt, and it overrode my insurance and showed my OLD insurance with BCBS - which did not cover it. After my doctor called the insurance companies he found that AvMed DOES cover Maxalt. He also called in another prescription for me, called Inderal. It is a daily blood pressure medication (my blood pressure is perfect) that also acts as a preventative for migraine sufferers. I have only been on it for two days, and got signs of a migraine this morning, which I managed to thwart. Perhaps it has not been in my system long enough?

After going back to my pharmacy, I had them put my correct insurance information in. Lo and behold I can now purchase my prescription for the Maxalt. 12 pills for $50. MUCH better than 18 for $530. I pick up that prescription tonight, and am looking forward to the comfort of knowing that when I DO get a migraine from now on (assuming the Inderal does not prevent them as it should) it is a quick pill and a 10-15 minute wait before the migraine diminishes as opposed to hours. It's gonna be nice to be able to go out again without fear of a migraine when my head feels fuzzy, or strange. And now I can't wait for the next concert that comes in town - I won't be so worried about migraine attacks that I just overlook them. Here's to getting my life back, hopefully. Keep your fingers crossed, and I will update you all once I have a better grasp of how the medications are working for me. =)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Migraine update 2

P.S. Maxalt worked wonders. With minimal side affects. Until I ran out of it. Of course I would get a 4.5 hour migraine that would NOT ease up, cause me to vomit violently, and be isolated in the dark with ice packs for hours. The doctor had written out a prescription, which I tried to fill. No generic and not covered by insurance, it would have cost me $530. Clearly THAT medicine is out.

Next step? My doctor is supposed to be calling my insurance company to see what migraine medications they cover, and then try me on whichever remaining meds I have NOT tried.

Verdict? I'm fucked in the head.

.....maybe today of all days was not the best to update you on this, but what is more effective than raw emotion?


You know, it seems like every year close to my birthday (since that car accident a few years ago) something goes fucking wrong. Someone pulls into me in traffic, creams my car, and almost puts me head first into a van. Fast forward a year. It dawns on me that a lot of relationships that were once important to me are essentially over for various reasons - some I may or may not have been to blame for, the most painful of which was realizing that amongst all of it, I was losing yet another of the people I called my best friend. Maybe I am the problem, I'm not cut out for it. Bad judge of character? And afraid today again, that the friend I am closest to is going to run back north as soon as she has the money to.

I've been really down the last few weeks. 29 is getting too close to 30, when I feel like I am at my unhealthiest weight, not making as much money as I once was, hence not being able to save money as I would like. It all equates to this: I am almost out of young adulthood - and where have I gone in life? Fuckin nowhere. Sinking in quicksand. Depressed as hell. The only thing really making me happy is my boyfriend, the lillies I buy myself, and my fucking soap opera. And now, another set back. Pile on top of all that stress, plus missing my grandmother the way I always do near my birthday and here I am...3 days shy of 29 and I fucked up my car real good today. Moving from next door, trying to get into the already narrow driveway at work (a driveway flanked between two big pickup trucks)when someone turns onto the street in a pickup, speeding, not looking like he was gonna slow down and me there. In the middle of the street. Trying to cut my wheel enough to get in the driveway. So I panic, pull forward, misjudge my cutting of the wheel - and BAM! I hit my dad's trailer hitch. My front bumper is all fucked up now, complete with a hole AND a busted headlight. Which like an ass I thought was cracked, and touched. Turned out to be broken and I cut my finger. Happy fucking birthday Ang. You should just stay in bed for the week prior to your birthday from now on. ='( Fuck my life. I feel like such a worthless piece of shit.

Have I mentioned that I sick of migraines. And hearing the word cancer. And fuckbag work neighbors. And hypocrites?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Operation: Stop Migraines

So, for those of you who have been wondering what exactly is up with my head...we don't know! Actually as of now I have been diagnosed with what my doctor refers to as "menstrual migraines." Basically they occur the week before and during my menstrual cycle, and usually culminate in a throbbing at my right temple that increases in pain in that area and deep behind the eye, which at it's worse travels down the back of my head and into my neck. I also suffer from photophobia (increased sensitivity to light)and phonophobia (increased sensitivity to sound) as well as occasional nausea. The only way to garner some relief is to be in a dark, cold room - i.e, retreating to the Batcave.

Now let me say, that if you have not suffered from a migraine - you don't ever want to. As someone with a high pain tolerance, my constant complaints of discomfort should be a sign that these are no joke. I feel for anyone I know who has ever suffered from these.

After mentioning this again to my doctor, he decided to start trying me on some migraine relief medications, which will not prevent but relieve migraines when they hit, but relieving the swelling of blood vessels around the brain, as well as preventing them from further swelling and blocking pain receptors. So far I have been tried on two separate medications. One (Relpax) DID take care of my migraine quite quickly, however the intense amount of pain and pressure in my neck made it a poor option for me. The second pill (Imitrex) I have heard bad things about, but at this point, I am ready to try anything for some relief. It didn't do anything at all for me. Today, I went in again to my doctor and he gave me a third medication to try called Maxalt. As with the others, it will be pricey if it works. But at this point if it works, it's worth it.

I'm hoping this particular medication works well for me, though it seems that I will be waiting until next month to try it, since I am at the end of this month's cycle. My doctor did tell me that he has just a few more for me to try if this does not, and that the next step would be a referral to a neurologist. So please guys and dolls, keep your fingers (and toes!) crossed that we find a medication that will ease these migraines and not cause more painful side effects.

I will keep you all updated as this process continues.

Monday, February 28, 2011

83rd Annual Academy Awards - FASHION

and now, my favorite part - the stars and their fashion!!!

Let me start off by saying that I DESPISE this new structured dress trend. I am aware that it is high fashion, however to me these structured shoulders and hip rolls look to me like someone carved Styrofoam and sewed fabric around it. I am not a fan at all. It reminds me of old-fashioned bum rolls, and I never liked those either. I think my favorite look of the night - believe it or not - was Reese Witherspoon. First of all, she is such a doll. I loved the simplicity of her gown, and the black with just the small band of white at the bust is so sophisticated. I feel like Avant Garde is okay at fashion shows, art shows and the like, but for the red carpet, I feel like sophisticated is the way to go. Again, less is more. I was also a big fan of Sandra Bullock's red gown. Again very classy and sophisticated, and I liked the asymmetrical shape of the bust line. She just blows me away with her natural comedic personality. To me she is the perfect balance between poise, professionalism, and down-to-earth. (Love that woman. Jesse James, you are a FOOL.)

I was pleased with the majority of Anne Hathaway's picks out of her 7 outfit changes. Her maroon gown with the beading detail was most definitely my favorite of her choices for the evening. She has impeccable taste when it comes to gowns. I was not a big fan of the blue, off-the-shoulder gown however. It reminded me too much of blue liquid latex, but that is just my personal opinion.

Jennifer Hudson - BRAVO! Though the tangerine colored gown was a little loud, it fit well with her complexion...and I have to say though only a presenter, it may have seemed over the top to some, but mad props to her. Her figure looks better than it ever has, and she should be proud to show it off! Mila Kunis, the lavender color went amazing with her complexion as well, though I was not a fan of the fluttery ruffles. Penelope Cruz looked so glamorous, and fiery in her gown, the new mom looked amazing. ScarJo's dress was beautiful. I really liked the cut and color, but poor girl looked so uncomfortable in it, and I wish she had done something more with her hair, I was not fond of the classy dress with the bedhead hair. It just didn't work for me. Michelle Williams look ahhh-maaaz-iiiing. I am not the biggest fan of short sleeves on gowns, but her textured white gown was to die for. She carried it very well, and with her cut little pixie hairdo and classic makeup, she looked angelic. So very classy and feminine, loved it! Hilary Swank's was almost perfect. I like the gradient color and the cut of the dress - but I am not the biggest fan of THAT much feathers. Likewise Halle Berry's dress was gorgeous, right under the overspill of white tulle jutting out near the bottom. I think if the train were made from the same nude-look, glitzy material as the rest of the dress, it would have been perfect. The tulle just looked like an afterthought to me. She is still gorgeous regardless, and could pull off damn near anything. =)

And let's not forget the fabulous Natalie Portman! I loved how natural her makeup was, and her plum colored gown was perfect for a pregnant starlet. Loved that it was such a romantic, flowy material. I am not at all a big fan of those really tight gowns showing off the baby bump...I cant put my finger on why. I feel like she looked beautiful, and comfortable - which is important for a pregnant woman, let's not stress baby. I also adored how her husband walked her to stage and helped her up the steps to retrieve her award for Best Leading Lady. It was sooo touching. Let me also add in, I love how she took the time to thank some of the people behind the scenes that most people don't think of. The camera operators, makeup artists, costume designers, etc. Class-act, that one.

My least favorites of the night were Melissa Leo's mirrored doily look, Gwyneth Paltrow's aluminumesque dress with the strange neckline that looked like it had been slit straight down, but Cate Blanchett takes the cake for worst dress in my eyes. A lot of people found it stunning, however between the color, the bib-like effect, and the leather covered pearls strangely arranged around the 'bib' looked to me like her dress had a bad herpes outbreak. And what was with the two very random putrid yellow streaks going up and over her shoulders???

On another note, I would like to add that one of the things I love about Helena Bonham Carter is her quiet confidence and ability to wear things that cater to her individual and eccentric style. Sometimes it is a total miss, but I thought she did a phenomenal job last night. As did the guys, but then it is hard to mess up any man in a suit. Christian Bale could have trimmed his grizzly beard though.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

The 83rd Annual Academy Awards
Ok, let me first start by saying that this year I did not see any of the main competitors in the running for the best Picture. So this year it was more about the fashion and the hosts for me, than the films themselves.

So I will start off with my review of the elements I did and did not like about the actual show, then rave about the fashion in a seperate post. =)

I have a mixed review on the new, younger hosts this year. While I enjoyed that it was much less - drab than usual, I was not really happy with the hosting. Anne Hathaway I feel held her own, though her jokes were not delivered quite as natural as I'd hoped. James Franco on the other hand, did not impress me. I feel like he is more comfortable acting that he is being natural in front of the camera. I was ready for full out humor as dictated by the commercials and ads for the show - however, to me he seemed very blase and lacking in personality. Perhaps, and I am going to throw this out there, he was extremely nervous. As normal day to day citizens we get starstruck, but surely stars also get starstruck, not just by the vast amount of talent filling that theatre, but by the fact that some of their very own idols are sitting out there, eyes on them. I did like the singing skit that Anne did about Hugh Jackman, it had it's comical moments. However, the 'Movie Musicals' segment didn't cut it for me. I found it quite cheesy. As far as the outfit changes, I feel that Anna did an amazing job (I even really liked her custom tailored suit!) James, wtf was with the white leotard? Clearly it was meant to be funny, but I wasn't impressed. I don't think men's junk sack bouncing around is at all attractive, even he was trying to use his hand as a shield at one point. Nice ass though! I'll give him that. I also liked how he came out in drag as Marilyn Monroe in the "Gentleman Prefer Blondes" iconic fuchsia gown, then that could be that I am a HUGE Marilyn fan, but any man willing to come out in drag to counteract Anne's suit, gets respect. That takes some cojones.

I enjoyed a few aspects of the show - first and foremost the stage setup was incredible. I loved the simplicity of it, the way the arch screens visually sparkled most of the time with that golden starry effect. I think that sometimes, award shows go way overboard with the set up. I feel like in many cases, less is more - and in this case it was not jumping out at you the entire time, instead creating a subtle visual interest. One of my favorite moments of the night was Celine Dion's rendition of the song 'Smile' which is definitely one of my favorite songs. I still think she looks like a bobblehead, albeit a very talented one. It was so well-suited for the 'In Memorium' segment of the show, as opposed to the typical orchestra usually playing in the background. Michael Douglas' father Kirk Douglas was a little difficult to understand what with his age and stroke a few years ago, but man was he a character. I love when people are elderly and they still keep a sense of themselves, and a great character. A lot of people are buzzing however, about the first televised award going to Mellisa Leo - who dropped the F-bomb in her acceptance speech. Here's the thing, yes it had to be bleeped out, but you could see the utter shock and emotion on the woman's face. That is a big accomplishment for any actor/actress. I personally found that to be my favorite acceptance speech, DUE to the realism of it. All in all, I found the show to be mediocre. It wasn't a total bomb.

I also liked the kids singing at the end of the show, though it would have been nicer if they were more in sync with one another as far as the swaying and hanf movements. It was really nice to have them perform onstage, flanked byt he evenings winners. That is a once in a lifetime opportunity that those children will never forget.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine, shmalentine.

Valentine's Day - February 14th. I absolutely HATE this holiday. Yet at the same time - I don't. I'm always ... hopeful.

I am not that girl who has ever really experienced anything...romantic. The most romantic thing I have ever experienced was a motorcycle ride to the beach to watch the sunset. Except it was cloudy, and you couldn't even see the sunset. I was dating this same guy a few years back on Valentine's Day - the first time I have ever had a valentine. It was a case of some flowers delivered to the office, with pink roses in them (I HATE pink, and roses die in 2 days, he knew this)and that was it. Didn't see him. Didn't hear from him. Coincidentally, the relationship ended not long after. That was my ONLY valentine. Since school, at any rate - when we used to exchange those ridiculously cute little cards. Oh and there was one in high school - but he gave the exact same thing to 2 other girls that I had classes with. Only thing is that the names on the cards were different.

As much as I feel like it is a dumb 'holiday' it IS crammed down our throats, and as for women - a lot of us feel left out. Most women who spend a lot of the time single do. And I find it annoying when the pretty, popular, it girls complain about others being down about it. It's easy to say when you are put up on a pedestal. When you aren't, it's quite the emotional mindfuck. This 'holiday' is aimed at men's wallets, and women's emotions. It should be a happy day, but society has blown it out of proportion, and over commercialized it to the extent that if you are single - you are just destined to feel undesirable. You walk into Walgreens and it looks like cupid sharted hearts and candies. You go to (in my case) building departments, and every female permit clerk has chocolates, or flowers on their desks...and the foil heart balloons. Sooo many. Save that shit for when you are at home, so it isn't crammed down everyone's throat. There is nothing worse than people repeatedly telling you, "I hope your Valentine's Day is as special as mine!" I feel like when you are with someone you care about you should both show each other in small ways every single day. But, that is not how life is. You can't escape it.

I know this post sounds bitter. It is not meant that way. Let me state for the critics, that I DO have someone in my life who cares about me, and has put a smile on my face every single day for the past several weeks. Someone who DOES tell me every day that I am beautiful/gorgeous/amazing. Someone who makes ME feel all of those things...=) He also had plans, but they fell through. Which sucks. More so because the REST of my day was so shitty, not that I should expect anything different. It seems like that particular day is cursed for me.

The point behind this post - is that all of the over-commercialization and added stress of "making it a perfect day" is unnecessary. Be thankful for what you have, and show how important it is to you every day, and you won't be obligated to make ONE day out of the year perfection. Because your over accomplishment actually brings others down. Just sayin'.

And for the record - be it a small bouquet of flowers, one single stem, a home cooked meal, or just laying together appreciating each other...feeling like a desirable woman is something that EVERY girl should experience at least once. But it shouldn't be on one set date a year. I'm looking forward to experiencing this some day. (I am also looking forward to my first kiss under a mistletoe, or one on the strike of midnight of a new year ... also things that every lady should experience.) I am not the only girl who feels this way - so get on it guys and girls. Inject this way of thinking into your everyday life. I guarantee it will bring you a lot more happiness.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Stars Adopting Children

As a woman, I understand that we all have the ticking biological clock. tick..tick...tick... So adoption for someone who is aching for a child and cannot have children naturally, or feel like they are nearing the end of their fertility, is a good route to take. As a woman, though I would not jump into anything too quickly, I relate to what it is like to desire a family of your own someday. I've also got a close friend who was told children were just not in her cards, and a miracle happened one day - she became pregnant, and today she has a beautiful one-year old that is the center of her universe. As a woman, motherhood is a right of passage.

This is what I do not understand about celebrity adoptions: Why adopt children from other countries? I get it Madonna,and Angelina---you want to help third world countries, which is admirable. There are many ways of doing this, by which you have the means that some of us do not possess, but what about the millions of children in OUR country who have no one? There are so many kids in the system here, that also deserve a good home. Something that you can provide. I think this saintly, adoption from other countries is bull to be honest. It is necessary that we help poverish countries, however our country could use it share of nurturing as well. Just because we live here and a lot of us have it made, does not mean that is the case all over our country. Sometimes we as people, need to step back and ask "what can I do for OUR country?" We DO live in the land of the why not give some of our less fortunate a taste of this freedom and security - do they deserve it any less? It would be so refreshing, to see a celeb adopt one of the thousands, millions of children here in the states, who could use and deserve a better chance at life.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I [less than three] this product!

I highly recommend an intuitively designed ice-tray for those of you who have yet to discover it's sheer phenomenal capacity of multiple uses. Yes, it is the ice tube tray, originally designed for 20 oz bottles when on the run. What makes them so badass? They are narrow and cylindrical in shape, and the trays come in plastic or silicone and usually range between 4"-6" in length, depending on the tray manufacturer. You can find them in those cheapo mags or at places like Ikea.

Some great uses:
*keeping your bottled non-alcoholic drinks cold. (they also fit inside the lip of aluminum cans!)
*Fantastic for 'water pipes' with or without ice-catchers, as in a narrow-necked pipe, it will slide into your water chamber and stack up through the neck, cooling the smoke.
*Also great for use in hookahs, for the same effect, causing a much smoother smoke to counteract the burn you sometimes get with a too hot coal.

And an interesting tip for you ladies and gents who like to make mixed drinks, especially around the holidays. A pretty cool effect that takes care of cooling drinks, decorative effect, and a cracker jack-like prize at the bottom of your glass: Place a couple small fruits (blueberries, cranberries, maraschino cherries, thin slices of strawberry, etc) in ANY ice tray before filling it. Your fruit will not only look awesome encased in the cube, but it will also help add flavor as your ice melts and releases it into your cocktail. TRUFAX.

Superbowl Entertainment FAIL!

Because I am a realist - I'm gonna give it to you guys straight. I really didn't give a steaming shit about who won this SuperBowl. I'm a 'Phins girl til the end. I was kinda rooting for the Steelers for my closest friends' mother (and in-law, respectively), seeing as she is THE biggest Steelers fan. Honestly I was in it for the entertainment and the commercials. I was not as impressed as I had appetite for balls-out amazing was just not fully satiated, IMO. And the commercials - they realyl have been lacking the last couple of years. I cant say that any one made me literally laugh out loud.

Let me start with the National Anthem - Cristina Aguilera, you disappoint me. Let me first state that I missed this live, and I am glad. It would have made me turn off the tv. Now, I will say as a lover of many types of music, that her voice is not terrible. Before you gasp in disgust, 'Beautiful' is a wonderful song that actually showcases her vocal talent, which I am not knocking. She DOES have talent, but she overshadows it a lot of the time by trying to blow everyone away with big runs. It's when she gets carried away with the runs that she ruins her songs. Much like that of Mariah Carey's incredulous high-pitched scream that is in That shit makes my ears bleed. And I understand that Cristina, (as does Mariah) thrives on this 'signature' on songs, because when she does them right, they can be impressive. However, this is our National Anthem. You need to go in knowing all of the lyrics, and just sing it with beauty and pride. No runs necessary. So I would like to thank you - for butchering the anthem to everyone who is not a blind mute. Think about that girlfriend. Who's the 'superbitch' now?

The game itself was not too impressive to me, because as I said - my heart does not belong to either team. I am an advocate for three things - the 'flying leap' tackles (because it shows your heart is in the game), excessive celebration (they are the top two teams for fucks sake - let 'em be a little cocky) and the pants. (I will say I was admiring the line-up of clinging lycra pants, and the consequential bun buffet.)

This brings me to halftime. The Black-Eyed Peas. Not my favorite group (we all know Pantera stole my heart at an early age) but they do have catchy songs perfect for such a big event. I will say that's crazy plastic hair piece was pretty badass, as were all of the choreographed dancers in the light up costumes. Lots of visual interest. And they pretty much got all of my favorites in that set-list. Fergie - well I'm not a big fan of hers, and the way she sometimes screams at random in a very hoodrat fashion and/or sings away from the mic so that she can't be heard. (That sometimes comes as a blessing though.) Please don't knock me for knocking her - you all heard her solo album. *raises an eyebrow* She's the token "hot chick" of the band. And IMO she has a great body, but her face - something is off. I am not terribly disappointed in the performance, in fact I am going to flat out say that I enjoyed it quite a bit. [side note: though I am not often attracted to black men, if the adjective 'her' were to apply to men, Usher is definitely a 'butterface.' Have you seen the abs, have you seen the man dance? *sings* Oh myyy God! */torturous singing* I am still a huge Ludacris fan though.] Back to the Peas. Upon hearing an unmistakable guitar solo and Slash rising from a black hole in the stage, my panties almost melted off. And then Fergie opened her mouth, and ruined one of my top favorite GnR songs. Why? Why did someone not kill her mic??? This is the Superbowl...! If you are going to cover a song (and believe me there are plenty of other terrible covers of phenomenal songs out there) make sure you are going to compliment the original artist by doing the song justice. Not slicing it open, gutting it, and dragging the bloody carcass of the song across stage. More importantly, never EVER do this at a big event that will be televised throughout the entire country.

So class, hat have we learned today?
a) Commercial scripters are beginning to lack in imagination.
b) If anything is a signature in your music, it should be your singing voice, or musicality - not a random, stretched out vowel.
c) Someone was keeping women in mind when designing the pants.
d) Never, ever disrespect a song that was amazing to begin with, unless you can add something positive to it.

And let me throw this one out there for good measure. Roethlisburger, meet razor. Do not be afraid...he can only make you look like less of a crazed serial rapist.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I can't get me out of my head...

Hmm...this was not supposed to be a personal blog, but it seems to be turning into one. It happens. I promise the next post will have to do with something actually going on in our community.

My brain is just running non-stop these days. I am in a current situation, that is not even a big deal yet, or a situation, really. Hello confusion? LOL It's me - looking forward, and that is the problem. I don't like the word 'change' - usually in people it leans toward negativity. I much prefer the word 'grow.' I have grown a lot in these last couple years. There have been some hard lessons. There are still some things I struggle with (hello emo kid, you can't save the whole world.) I have grown enough to know that nothing just falls into place. Everything in life takes work, and to reach your goals - you HAVE to keep your future in mind. I am happy. I've met someone who makes me happy. But I am afraid to really move too far forward, even though it feels really good, and comfortable. I don't think this person would hurt me if we were to start dating, I can see that he is definitely liking what he has seen thus far. But I am closer to 30 on the age spectrum now, and as much as I would love to go out and party, have fun, and spend every waking moment with friends just having a good time, the reality is that we are in a recession...but more importantly, it is time for me to act like an adult. I feel that it is more important to manage my money well, and get myself out of debt. I do dream of a future where I have a home and a family someday. Something has me afraid that our personal goals aren't on the same page. Do I take a chance, on something that makes me happy but may not work out in the end? Do I put myself out there like that? I should have been better at managing my life when I was younger - what can I say, late bloomer. I don't want to slack on it, or feel like I have to hold back. So in my neurotic, mess of a mind, I face a dilemma. After things not working out for so many other reasons in the past - do I throw caution to the wind and let myself feel this good, with someone not displaying douchebag tendencies - or do I keep my walls up to protect myself? I need someone who can take care of himself as well as I can take care of myself. Maybe I am looking too much into this. I probably am. As a female who feels like my real life and future is about to begin (or at least should be beginning) - I have to look at life, relationships, etc. differently. I have to look forward to what can ensure me a good future and not hold me back as an adult. Not a 'young adult.' To relationships that are going to grow with me and that aren't just about sex, lies, false securities. I guess, more than anything - I am afraid that if I get in too deep, I will set myself up, and break my own heart by telling someone who could very well turn out to be amazing, that it's just not enough for me. And just like any other girl, I wonder - does that make me selfish or too expectant of others?

To the few of you that read - what do you think? I feel like I am being selfish, or even a little too cautious. Maybe I have just been out of the game for too long, and am over a lot of it.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Contemplative sorrow...

Nobody reads this-huh? Not unless I make a point to post on my fb that I blogged, and supply a link. Ironically, even knowing that - it gives me some comfort, or relief if you will, to type things out to no one in particular. Freedom by means of trillions of pointless pixels.

What do you do when you care about someone who you know is depressed, and their words seem eerily haunted? Darker by the day, reminding you of that emptiness you've seen in others. Others that never got to a better place, that were simply devoid of hope. It is a terrible feeling when someone has shared so much, and not shed a tear, not even throughout the most heart-breaking of retellings...then other things factor in, and their mood declines more. You begin to see a hopeless lack of glimmer in their eyes. Almost a deadness. It's as if all the H20 and salene have been sucked out, and there is nothing left to cry. Dry heaves of emotion. What do you do? How do you help? I don't think there is an easy answer, and that scares me....

Monday, January 17, 2011

A glimpse into my current psyche...

I have been thinking a lot lately, and that brings me down. But I have come to discover that I feel pain for other people. When it comes to friendships, loss of such, loss of life, friends personal issues that they share. It hurts me, to see the people I love in pain - be it physical or emotional. There are situations between some very close friends now, that I wish I could rectify for them. But it is not my place. It is so difficult to see people that you CHOOSE to have in your life looking so....defeated. Haunted. Sad. Worse is knowing that all you can do is be there for them, sympathize for them, and hope with everything that you have that they get through it in one piece. Especially when you used to see so much light in their eyes, and now you see sadness, disappointment, pain. I may not have had that 'I love so-and-so, I will be with this person forever' kind of love in my life, but I do love my family and I love my close friends as if they were blood. And if you can't admit that kind of love, look a friend in the eye and say "hey, I love you, I'm not going anywhere" then you don't know the true meaning of the word. You are missing out on the important things in life.


Someone recently told me, after a falling out, that I never admit my wrongs and need to do a 180 in my life. And that I am wrong for mourning a friend. In my opinion, that is a load of crap. I do admit my wrongs, because like everybody else in this world, nobody is perfect. But don't choose that. You can't just let it go. Same with emotions, people don't choose to feel like emotional train wrecks when things get tough, it's all in our genetic makeup. He made the point that I talk about being "lewd, rude, and tattooed," yet I am an emotional 'defenseless victim.' I am rude at times, and I can be very crude. But I am a human being, and in no way does that mean that I am devoid of feelings. Or that I shouldn't mourn, or even miss the things I have fought for in life.

I think to myself a lot, (and this is gonna get pretty deep) about a friend Mike, that lost his life a little over a year ago. I don't even know what really happened, since stories have been floating around. And no one likes to talk about it, because it is a touchy subject. What I DO know is that I feel a sense of guilt, because I know that he was an unhappy person, and I know he had problems. Mike and I were not best buds, but we hung out with a lot of the same people, and I have known him since middle school. Been to shows his bands have played in, been to parties, dinners, and random get-togethers where we were not just associates, but friends. Regardless of the fact that I wouldn't have called myself a 'close' friend of his, it is difficult to watch someone at 28 years young, be sealed into a wall just the same. I don't ponder about it all of the time, because I have been going through the processes of grief. But I do think about him from time to time. About how much he is missing out on, how his life was cut so short. Of course little things will make you remember those who are no longer with us. And I DO feel guilty. A lot of us do, but we just don't talk about it. I can't help but wonder why myself and others didn't intervene? Why didn't we just talk to him, ask if he was okay...ask if he wanted help or support? Better yet, why did we sit around and drink in his presence when we knew he had a problem? It's like we were enabling him. Even if his passing had nothing to do with this, we should have let him know how much we cared. What a badass person he was. Maybe that little bit of extra support would have helped him lead a happier life. Nobody knows. I do feel at ease however, when I visit his resting spot, and a couple friends and I pour some for him. I find comfort in knowing that if in his life he didn't know we cared, he knows in his afterlife...more so, that in his passing I have learned a huge lesson: I know that I have felt at times, that my friendship has been taken advantage of - that people don't truly appreciate me. And maybe that is because they are too afraid to show that they do, to intervene or speak up if I am going down a bad path or making a poor decision. (In the long and short of it, I would rather someone risk a short period of anger with me, than to see something that I obviously can't recognize, and just let me go down that path.) And for that lesson, i am immensely thankful. Mike, you won't be forgotten old friend.


Usually when someone implies that you have changed, it is not for the good. But something I have learned in the past two years is that I HAVE changed. But not in a negative way. I am still the same person, but I've learned some huge lessons in life. Gossip gets you nowhere. It spreads like wildfire, and in the end, the person you are gossiping about is always the one who gets burned the deepest. The problem with gossip, is that people put their own spin on it. And even if they don't, when you tell somebody something in trust, that is where it should stay. Between you and that person. I've also learned that there is an immense difference between being cordial (or co-existing) and kissing someone's ass. I know so many people have talked mad trash about others within their group, spewed the word "hate" and then turned around down the line and are like 2 peas in a pod with that exact same person. Nevermind all the personal infomation, gossip, etc. that they freely and openly dispersed to everyone else behind that person's back.

Yes, I HAVE changed. I have grown up. I can be in a room with some of the people I have had fallings out and/or issues with, for the sake of the other people that I care about. You can't expect people to stop talking to people you don't get along with - that is not realistic at all. But at the same time, there is no need to be rude, ignore anybody, or play the "let's be friends' card when you know that it will never happen. Sometimes people show you their true colors, and you make a conscious choice that you can't live with what was said or done. And if distancing yourself from that means that you have changed, or that you are acting like a bitch, then so be it. I may be a bitch, but I'm a free bitch.

Monday, January 3, 2011

A Bittersweet Goodye...

Dear 2010:

I would like to thank you for the new friendships that have been made, the old ones that have grown stronger, and the health of my family and friends. The survival of our family owned business, even though it has been a very, VERY difficult year. And though I would like to have spent much more time on myself and having FUN, I was disciplined enough to pay my bills, which is more than I can say for a lot of people I know who are spending foolishly and being hounded by debt collectors. You and I, however, are done.

A few people will argue that I have changed tremendously in the last year. But I have not. I am still the loud, opinionated, fun-loving, sharp-tongued gal I have always been, albeit slightly more depressed. 2010, you have lowered my bullshit tolerance, and I praise you for that - even if it meant dealing with some very tough issues. Aside from some recreational hookah and ganja smoking, I can proudly say that I have not changed, but rather grown. (and not just in size either.)

You have taught me, that though sometimes the best intentions lead to a failed attempt, the happiness of just one friend, for one day is worth it. That's part of being an adult and co-existing for the sake of those you care about. Sometimes you have to learn and grow from experiences. I believe I have. I am entering into a phase of my life, where I am much closer to 30 than 20, and somewhere between saying my final goodbyes to an old friend (way too early in life, I might add)and finding some old friends behavior leaning closer to a high school mentality (and broken friendships,) I have realized that I need to get my shit together.

Nothing in life is ever easy. Farewells, drifting apart from people you have been close to for umpteen years, supporting yourself through a tough economy, having the strength to say "I've had enough." It is all hard, but everything in life needs a little effort to strive. Friendships aren't one-sided...and when they become that way, you can't beat yourself up. Rather, you should be proud that you gave it your best shot, and thankful for the amazing memories that you have had throughout the years. I have no regrets when I lay my head down at night.

I am eternally thankful for the laughter that helped us see through the dark cloud that hung over some of us early in the year, as well as the support and laughter that has helped us to reach the end of it. I'm thankful for the support, happiness, and health of my mom and dad, my brother and his awesome girlfriend Ana. Micro-pimp, the bet LITTLE cousin anyone could ask for. Alex and Adri, two of the realest and most amazing people I know (I treasure you.) Jorge and his never-ending dry wit and character jokes. Ruben, the slightly younger brother I never had. The Beltran, Lara, and Rimblas/Tollefson families - you really are my home away from home. Sistaluv Vikki, and my beautiful niece Sophia - who has brought so much happiness to so many lives...I miss you all so much, and can't wait until I can afford to visit again. Jessalyn and Aria, the 'Unholy Trinity' would not be complete without you, and Eric for giving Jessie so much of the happiness that she deserves. There are so many more people that have made this last year bearable.

And now, the easiest thing I have ever said, to you 2010, thank you for the memories - good, and bad. But I am more than ecstatic to bid you adieu and welcome in 2011 with open arms. Cheers to a new slate.