A glimpse into my current psyche...

I have been thinking a lot lately, and that brings me down. But I have come to discover that I feel pain for other people. When it comes to friendships, loss of such, loss of life, friends personal issues that they share. It hurts me, to see the people I love in pain - be it physical or emotional. There are situations between some very close friends now, that I wish I could rectify for them. But it is not my place. It is so difficult to see people that you CHOOSE to have in your life looking so....defeated. Haunted. Sad. Worse is knowing that all you can do is be there for them, sympathize for them, and hope with everything that you have that they get through it in one piece. Especially when you used to see so much light in their eyes, and now you see sadness, disappointment, pain. I may not have had that 'I love so-and-so, I will be with this person forever' kind of love in my life, but I do love my family and I love my close friends as if they were blood. And if you can't admit that kind of love, look a friend in the eye and say "hey, I love you, I'm not going anywhere" then you don't know the true meaning of the word. You are missing out on the important things in life.

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Someone recently told me, after a falling out, that I never admit my wrongs and need to do a 180 in my life. And that I am wrong for mourning a friend. In my opinion, that is a load of crap. I do admit my wrongs, because like everybody else in this world, nobody is perfect. But grief...you don't choose that. You can't just let it go. Same with emotions, people don't choose to feel like emotional train wrecks when things get tough, it's all in our genetic makeup. He made the point that I talk about being "lewd, rude, and tattooed," yet I am an emotional 'defenseless victim.' I am rude at times, and I can be very crude. But I am a human being, and in no way does that mean that I am devoid of feelings. Or that I shouldn't mourn, or even miss the things I have fought for in life.

I think to myself a lot, (and this is gonna get pretty deep) about a friend Mike, that lost his life a little over a year ago. I don't even know what really happened, since stories have been floating around. And no one likes to talk about it, because it is a touchy subject. What I DO know is that I feel a sense of guilt, because I know that he was an unhappy person, and I know he had problems. Mike and I were not best buds, but we hung out with a lot of the same people, and I have known him since middle school. Been to shows his bands have played in, been to parties, dinners, and random get-togethers where we were not just associates, but friends. Regardless of the fact that I wouldn't have called myself a 'close' friend of his, it is difficult to watch someone at 28 years young, be sealed into a wall just the same. I don't ponder about it all of the time, because I have been going through the processes of grief. But I do think about him from time to time. About how much he is missing out on, how his life was cut so short. Of course little things will make you remember those who are no longer with us. And I DO feel guilty. A lot of us do, but we just don't talk about it. I can't help but wonder why myself and others didn't intervene? Why didn't we just talk to him, ask if he was okay...ask if he wanted help or support? Better yet, why did we sit around and drink in his presence when we knew he had a problem? It's like we were enabling him. Even if his passing had nothing to do with this, we should have let him know how much we cared. What a badass person he was. Maybe that little bit of extra support would have helped him lead a happier life. Nobody knows. I do feel at ease however, when I visit his resting spot, and a couple friends and I pour some for him. I find comfort in knowing that if in his life he didn't know we cared, he knows in his afterlife...more so, that in his passing I have learned a huge lesson: I know that I have felt at times, that my friendship has been taken advantage of - that people don't truly appreciate me. And maybe that is because they are too afraid to show that they do, to intervene or speak up if I am going down a bad path or making a poor decision. (In the long and short of it, I would rather someone risk a short period of anger with me, than to see something that I obviously can't recognize, and just let me go down that path.) And for that lesson, i am immensely thankful. Mike, you won't be forgotten old friend.

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Usually when someone implies that you have changed, it is not for the good. But something I have learned in the past two years is that I HAVE changed. But not in a negative way. I am still the same person, but I've learned some huge lessons in life. Gossip gets you nowhere. It spreads like wildfire, and in the end, the person you are gossiping about is always the one who gets burned the deepest. The problem with gossip, is that people put their own spin on it. And even if they don't, when you tell somebody something in trust, that is where it should stay. Between you and that person. I've also learned that there is an immense difference between being cordial (or co-existing) and kissing someone's ass. I know so many people have talked mad trash about others within their group, spewed the word "hate" and then turned around down the line and are like 2 peas in a pod with that exact same person. Nevermind all the personal infomation, gossip, etc. that they freely and openly dispersed to everyone else behind that person's back.

Yes, I HAVE changed. I have grown up. I can be in a room with some of the people I have had fallings out and/or issues with, for the sake of the other people that I care about. You can't expect people to stop talking to people you don't get along with - that is not realistic at all. But at the same time, there is no need to be rude, ignore anybody, or play the "let's be friends' card when you know that it will never happen. Sometimes people show you their true colors, and you make a conscious choice that you can't live with what was said or done. And if distancing yourself from that means that you have changed, or that you are acting like a bitch, then so be it. I may be a bitch, but I'm a free bitch.