Monday, May 16, 2011


You know, it seems like every year close to my birthday (since that car accident a few years ago) something goes fucking wrong. Someone pulls into me in traffic, creams my car, and almost puts me head first into a van. Fast forward a year. It dawns on me that a lot of relationships that were once important to me are essentially over for various reasons - some I may or may not have been to blame for, the most painful of which was realizing that amongst all of it, I was losing yet another of the people I called my best friend. Maybe I am the problem, I'm not cut out for it. Bad judge of character? And afraid today again, that the friend I am closest to is going to run back north as soon as she has the money to.

I've been really down the last few weeks. 29 is getting too close to 30, when I feel like I am at my unhealthiest weight, not making as much money as I once was, hence not being able to save money as I would like. It all equates to this: I am almost out of young adulthood - and where have I gone in life? Fuckin nowhere. Sinking in quicksand. Depressed as hell. The only thing really making me happy is my boyfriend, the lillies I buy myself, and my fucking soap opera. And now, another set back. Pile on top of all that stress, plus missing my grandmother the way I always do near my birthday and here I am...3 days shy of 29 and I fucked up my car real good today. Moving from next door, trying to get into the already narrow driveway at work (a driveway flanked between two big pickup trucks)when someone turns onto the street in a pickup, speeding, not looking like he was gonna slow down and me there. In the middle of the street. Trying to cut my wheel enough to get in the driveway. So I panic, pull forward, misjudge my cutting of the wheel - and BAM! I hit my dad's trailer hitch. My front bumper is all fucked up now, complete with a hole AND a busted headlight. Which like an ass I thought was cracked, and touched. Turned out to be broken and I cut my finger. Happy fucking birthday Ang. You should just stay in bed for the week prior to your birthday from now on. ='( Fuck my life. I feel like such a worthless piece of shit.

Have I mentioned that I sick of migraines. And hearing the word cancer. And fuckbag work neighbors. And hypocrites?