I can't get me out of my head...

Hmm...this was not supposed to be a personal blog, but it seems to be turning into one. It happens. I promise the next post will have to do with something actually going on in our community.

My brain is just running non-stop these days. I am in a current situation, that is not even a big deal yet, or a situation, really. Hello confusion? LOL It's me - looking forward, and that is the problem. I don't like the word 'change' - usually in people it leans toward negativity. I much prefer the word 'grow.' I have grown a lot in these last couple years. There have been some hard lessons. There are still some things I struggle with (hello emo kid, you can't save the whole world.) I have grown enough to know that nothing just falls into place. Everything in life takes work, and to reach your goals - you HAVE to keep your future in mind. I am happy. I've met someone who makes me happy. But I am afraid to really move too far forward, even though it feels really good, and comfortable. I don't think this person would hurt me if we were to start dating, I can see that he is definitely liking what he has seen thus far. But I am closer to 30 on the age spectrum now, and as much as I would love to go out and party, have fun, and spend every waking moment with friends just having a good time, the reality is that we are in a recession...but more importantly, it is time for me to act like an adult. I feel that it is more important to manage my money well, and get myself out of debt. I do dream of a future where I have a home and a family someday. Something has me afraid that our personal goals aren't on the same page. Do I take a chance, on something that makes me happy but may not work out in the end? Do I put myself out there like that? I should have been better at managing my life when I was younger - what can I say, late bloomer. I don't want to slack on it, or feel like I have to hold back. So in my neurotic, mess of a mind, I face a dilemma. After things not working out for so many other reasons in the past - do I throw caution to the wind and let myself feel this good, with someone not displaying douchebag tendencies - or do I keep my walls up to protect myself? I need someone who can take care of himself as well as I can take care of myself. Maybe I am looking too much into this. I probably am. As a female who feels like my real life and future is about to begin (or at least should be beginning) - I have to look at life, relationships, etc. differently. I have to look forward to what can ensure me a good future and not hold me back as an adult. Not a 'young adult.' To relationships that are going to grow with me and that aren't just about sex, lies, false securities. I guess, more than anything - I am afraid that if I get in too deep, I will set myself up, and break my own heart by telling someone who could very well turn out to be amazing, that it's just not enough for me. And just like any other girl, I wonder - does that make me selfish or too expectant of others?

To the few of you that read - what do you think? I feel like I am being selfish, or even a little too cautious. Maybe I have just been out of the game for too long, and am over a lot of it.